07.27.09
A Year Without Logan
Today is July 27, 2009.  It’s been exactly one year since our sweet baby Logan left us. We never thought we’d make it this far. When Logan was in the NSCU, being away from him for even a few hours every night was so difficult . . . we’d find ourselves counting down the hours until we could see him again. And now . . . we’ll never be able to count down the hours . . . we’d be counting for the rest of our lives.
It’s still almost impossible to accept the fact that we’ll never see Logan again for the rest of our lives. We’ll never rock him to sleep, never give him a bath, never tuck him in at night, never tell him a bedtime story, never hold his hand when we cross the street, never put a band-aid on his owies, never watch him playing outside with the dogs, never cry when he starts preschool, never teach him how to ride a bike, never worry about him when he plays sports, never cry as we watch him accept his diploma at his graduation . . . the list of nevers is endless. Sometimes, it seems like our life is full of nevers nowadays.
How is it possible that we’ll never see Logan’s sweet baby face again? Never feel his tiny hands holding onto our fingers?
I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be a mommy who’s lost her baby. I don’t want to feel guilty about not providing a healthy & happy home for our baby to grow in. I don’t want to cry about all of the things we’ll never get to do with Logan. I don’t want people to feel sad for us. I don’t want to have to put on a brave face every morning so that I can convince everyone that I’m fine. I don’t want to hear how brave I am or how strong I am. I don’t want to be brave. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want Logan.