07.30.08
Losing Logan
We know that the news of losing Logan was a shock to everyone… including us. Our Baby Steps post was so positive and Logan really seemed to be getting stronger.
Of course, as usual, Logan decided to “play” on the weekend… everyone knew to tell Logan it was Thursday during the weekends, but he somehow always knew better… In hindsight, we realized that we wasn’t his usual self from Friday night, but he really started to play on Saturday. All day Saturday, he was not having a good day at all… his oxygen saturation levels stayed in the 60s and he really started to swell up because he hadn’t had a good pee in a couple of days… Janice, one of his primary nurses, worked so hard ALL day to get him better. She gave him a blood transfusion, a platelet transfusion, and started him on 2 medicines to help him get rid of all the excess fluid. During her shift, she also ran a bunch of bloodwork on him and from that found that his white blood cell count was unusually high – usually a sign of infection – so the doctors also started Logan on 2 antibiotics. By the end of Janice’s shift, we were celebrating Logan’s oxygen saturation level being in the mid-70s… a sign that it had been a hard day for Logan. 
We stayed with Logan until about 10:30 that night and only decided to go home because he was finally starting to settle down and his oxygen saturation levels were in the high 80s / low 90s. This was Logan’s usual weekend routine… play on one day and by the night/early morning begin to get better…
We called to check on Logan early Sunday morning and found out that he started to play again around 2:00am… His oxygen saturation levels were back down in the 60s and the 2 medicines hadn’t helped him to pee out much fluid.
As we were getting ready to go to the hospital, we got a call from Dr. Oliveros, the neonatologist, letting us know that they had started to hand-bag Logan to try to improve his oxygen saturation levels. It didn’t sound critical at this point… Logan has been hand-bagged before. We finished getting ready and headed to the hospital.
When we got to the NSCU, Dr. Kim, one of the residents, caught us at the door and took us straight to Logan’s bedside – without even washing up… We knew something was VERY wrong at this point. Once at his bedside we could immediately see that Logan was not in very good shape. The doctors told us that they had just coded Logan – they had to give him epinephrine and do chest compressions to keep his heart going – and were hand-bagging him. They had put in 2 additional IVs so that they could pump him with all kinds of medicines to keep him alive.
We were in shock at this point. We had given our parents a heads up that Logan wasn’t having a good day, but we asked one of the nurses to please let them know exactly what was happening and how urgent the situation was.
Kim and I stood by Logan, talked to him, and put our hands over him. We tried to send him all the strength we could in hopes that he would be able to recover from this. The doctors told us that the suspected infection was causing Logan’s body to shut down. At this point, the doctors felt that it was only a matter of time.
We kept our hope alive because Logan’s monitors were showing that his heart rate and oxygen saturation levels seemed to be improving… By this time, all of our parents and a lot of family were there to give Logan additional strength. We all stood by Logan’s bedside for what seemed to be hours.
At some point, Dr. Kim came back and asked us if we wanted them to continue with Logan’s treatment. She suggested that they do another round of bloodwork, which we agreed to. While Janice was drawing his blood, Kim and I asked Logan to please help us make the right decision for him and to let us know if he wanted to continue or was too tired to fight anymore. The blood gas came back and it was worse than the last one, despite all the efforts the doctors and nurses had made.
Logan was telling us that he was tired, so Kim and I made the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make… We knew that we had to let our baby go… It would have been selfish to let him continue suffering.
Waynell, the social worker, escorted the family to a private room, while Kim and I stayed with Logan. We helped the nurses clean Logan’s face and dress him in his first “big boy” clothes. We asked them to remove as many wires from him as possible. After that, they gave him an extra dose of morphine, to ensure that his final moments would be pain free. They wrapped Logan in a blanket and then in the quilt that Edna had made for him. Kim carried Logan to the private room, while Dr. Kim hand-bagged him. Once there, they removed his breathing tube… We were finally able to see his precious face without any obstructions.
Kim and I are so grateful that we each got to hold our baby while he was still alive… Logan left us, cradled safely in our arms, with all of his family around him…Â The look of peace on his face is one we will never forget.