08.01.08

One Last Hug Goodbye

Posted in Logan at 10:01 am by kimi

On Wednesday, Lance & I went to see our sweet baby Logan for the last time.  The mortuary needed someone to identify Logan’s body before cremation.  We didn’t know if we would be strong enough to do this ourselves . . . we had no idea what his body would look like, or how it would feel.  We envisioned a morgue (like the ones you see on TV), with our precious baby lying on a cold steel table . . . this was an image we couldn’t bear to see.

We thought about asking someone else to do the ID for us, but once again, we could feel Logan giving us strength.  We realized that we wanted to give one last gift to Logan . . . sending him off on his journey, just perfect.   No one knew Logan the way that we did, so no one could do this for Logan except us.  We asked my dad to drive us there and be our backup, just in case.

I know that we’ll never have “closure”, but I needed to see my sweet baby one last time to make this whole situation real.  The day after he left us, we woke up hoping that this was all just a terrible nightmare.  But when we went back to the NSCU and sat at his empty bedside, we realized that he was really gone.  Just like seeing his empty bedside, we knew that seeing Logan’s body at the mortuary would also help us to accept that he has left us.

As we walked into the room, we could feel Logan’s presence . . . we could feel him filling us with all of his strength.   A small table had been placed in the center of the room, covered with a white cloth.  Logan was lying on a small, white pillow, with a blue blanket tucked up to his chin . . . he looked like he was in bed, fast asleep.  He was dressed in the outfit that we had chosen for him . . . a knitted cap and booties from the hospital and a preemie-sized onesie that I had bought for him.  He was wrapped snugly in a blue blanket with a white knitted trim.  He looked so peaceful.

We unwrapped the blanket so that we could see him in his “big boy” clothes . . . we were surprised that his onesie actually fit him!  When Logan was born, we were each given an ID bracelet with a matching code . . .  we would need this bracelet when we brought him home.  We made sure to put Logan’s ID bracelet on his ankle – to keep his hands free so that he could touch his face – so that we could properly bring him home.

We gave his Zaky a few last hugs and kisses before giving it back to Logan.  We placed it on his tummy, with Zaky’s fingers touching his face . . . exactly the way he always liked it.  We tucked his pacifier – his other best friend – close to his heart and wrapped him up in the blanket.  For extra warmth and security, we snuggled him and wrapped him in a second blanket . . . the one that I had wanted to bring him home in.

As we snuggled our baby for the last time, we were torn . . . it was so unfair that this would be the last time that we could ever cuddle our baby, but yet, he looked so peaceful.  We had never seen him this content before.  Looking at his precious face, we knew that letting him go was the right decision.

Looking back on that day, we are so thankful that Logan gave us the strength to see him off.  When we last saw him on Sunday, his body was so traumatized by his massive infection.  Holding him for the last time, Logan was so cuddly and soft . . . a much better memory for our one last hug goodbye.

Permalink