08.19.09
There Are No Words
There are no words to describe how I’ve been feeling lately. I had hoped that passing Logan’s 1-year mark would bring about some kind of … ? Closure? Acceptance? I didn’t expect for things to be even harder than they already are. It’s not that I’m missing Logan any more than usual . . . I can’t imagine missing him anymore than I already do. I think it’s more that I really can’t avoid the harsh reality . . . Logan is gone and is never coming back. Life is going on around me and getting back to “normal”. Everyone is back to their own lives, back to the usual grind . . . and I’m stuck with this new life that I really don’t want. I’ve been on this enormous roller coaster of emotions and I just don’t know how to get off of this ride. I’m laughing one minute, and crying buckets of tears the next. I’m soo happy for friends one minute, and then insanely jealous the next. I feel supported by family & friends one minute, and all alone the next. I haven’t had a great night’s sleep in I don’t know how long . . . I’m physically exhausted, which makes it even harder to deal with being emotionally exhausted. I feel like I’m just …? Living? Existing? Surviving? Like I said . . . there are no words.
Stefani said,
August 20, 2009 at 7:24 am
Kimi … and Lance,
I’ve said before that I cannot imagine what you’re feeling or what you’re going through. And I would not be able to tell you how to move on or deal with the feelings you’re having. All I can say is that something this devastating is going to take time. You two are great people and deserve a great life. I think you have to find the strength in yourself and each other to live your new life in honor of that wonderful child you lost too soon. I don’t think Logan would want his mommy and daddy to be so sad. He was brought into this world to touch your life and it’s just wrong that he had to leave you but you have to continue to live in his honor. We all love you guys and support you the best way we know how. Hang in there.