01.28.09
Posted in Logan at 11:30 pm by kimi
Yesterday made 6 months since Logan left us . . . we just can’t believe we’ve managed to survive 6 months without our precious baby. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we were sitting with Logan in the NSCU . . . other days, it feels like a lifetime since we last patted his back, or rubbed his forehead, or sang him a song.
Every day is a struggle for us . . . every morning we have to convince ourselves to get out of bed, put on a brave face, & face the world without Logan. We have our pretty good days, and we have our really bad days . . . mostly, we have “blah” days. Every time we see something or do something that makes us smile or laugh, it’s always tinged with sadness when we think that Logan isn’t here to experience it with us.  
 We kind of feel like we’re only half the people that we used to be . . . the other half of ourselves went along with Logan on his next journey. I think a part of us with always be with Logan . . . we’ll never be the same people we were before Logan came into our lives.
These past 8 months have, without a doubt, been the most difficult of our entire lives . . . but throughout all of the worrying, pain, & sorrow we’ve learned that we are definitely stronger than we ever thought we could be. Giving Logan back to Aunty Pam on his last day with us was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. Walking out of the NSCU that day, knowing that we would never see our baby alive again, was nearly an impossible feat. I remember thinking that we would never be able to survive without him . . . and yet, here we are, 6 months later.
We would give anything to change what happened, or to bring him back, but we know that can’t ever happen. Things aren’t getting any easier, and I don’t think it ever really will . . . I think we’re just slowly starting to learn how to adjust to our new “normal”. We were excitedly preparing for our new “normal” to revolve around taking care of & loving Logan . . . now, we have to accept that our “normal” is loving & missing Logan.
WE LOVE YOU LOGAN!! YOU WILL BE IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER!!
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12.27.08
Posted in Family, Logan at 9:42 am by kimi
Every year, just before the New Year, our families get together to make mochi. Today is our Mukai family (Lance’s family) mochi making. We used to make mochi at Lance’s grandparents house in Kailua, but after they passed away, we started hosting the mochi making at our house. Lance has taken over Grandpa Mukai’s role as “mochi man”! 
Lance’s mom is in charge of steaming the mochi rice on the stove & Lance operates the mochi machine (a small, electric powered machine that spins the mochi rice into a smooth ball of mochi). Everyone else helps out by making the mochi & packaging them into boxes.
Tomorrow, we’ll be having the Uesugi (Kim’s family) mochi making at Uncle Stan’s house. Uncle Stan & Aunty Al have hosted mochi making at their house for as long as I can remember. The Uesugi family’s mochi process is very different from the Mukai family. Lance’s family makes mochi inside the house, while we make our mochi outside. Uncle Bobby, Darin, Steve, and a bunch of other guys steam the rice over a gas fire – although it used to be a wood fire. Darin or Steve carries the wooden box with the steamed mochi rice over to the mochi machine (a big funnel like machine, similar to a sausage maker). The young boys/men/kiddies, led by Uncle Stan, help to push/pound the mochi rice into the funnel, while the machine grinds the rice into a smooth pile of mochi. My dad cuts the mochi into small pieces, while the rest of us (usually the ladies) stand around a big table & make the mochi balls.
Like many families, the holidays are full of traditions for us. Christmas Eve is always at Aunty Linda/Darin & Lisa’s house . . . Christmas morning is always at my parents house, eating my dad’s omelets . . . mochi making at our house & Uncle Stan’s . . . New Year’s Eve & Aunty Al’s mandoo soup is always at Uncle Stan & Aunty Al’s house followed by ozoni soup at my parent’s house. . . New Year’s Day is always at my parent’s house. It’s so nice to be around family during the holidays, especially when we’re missing Logan so much. Although we’re so sad that he’ll never get to actually experience these traditions with us, we know that he’ll always be with us in spirit. We miss you baby!
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12.22.08
Posted in Logan at 12:25 am by kimi
We just visited our NSCU family tonight . . . we haven’t been by for a visit in a while, so it was nice to see everyone again. We’ve really missed seeing the NSCU staff. While we were there, we found out that two more of the babies that were in A-side with Logan are now guardian angels . . . this makes a total of four little ones from A-side who have left this world too soon. We know, all too well, what these families are going through . . . our hearts go out to them. We know that just like us, they are missing their babies even more during this holiday season. Four new angels will be getting their wings this Christmas. Kassie thinks that the four little ones are having a blast up there, with Logan as their ring leader! Can’t you just see it?
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12.15.08
Posted in Logan at 7:31 pm by kimi
It’s December 15th . . . only 10 more days until Christmas. We’re excited for Christmas, but so sad that Logan isn’t here to share it with us. Lance & I were anxiously awaiting the holidays this year because we were expecting to celebrate them with our son. But now . . .
Nowadays, we never know when a wave of sadness is going to hit us . . . they come & go whenever they please. Last night a wave hit me (or as Sunny would say, I had an “episode”). I had a very restless night & have been feeling extra blue since then. Today as I was driving home, I started thinking about how very different this Christmas will be from last Christmas. At this time last year, we had just done our IVF & were on pins-and-needles waiting to see if it was a success. We found out the good news just after Christmas and we were able to start 2008 off with high hopes.
This Christmas, we’re missing Logan. This New Year’s, we’ll be wondering if 2009 will be any better for us. It’s amazing to think that 2008 was truly the BEST & WORST year of our lives. Obviously, it was the WORST year because we lost Logan & Beamer. But 2008 was the BEST year because Logan came into our lives & chose us to be his parents. He must have known that he only had a short amount of time with us because he made sure to let his personality shine through from the very beginning! He showed us what a character he was, which made us love him even more.
As far as bad times go, I’d say we’ve definitely hit rock bottom . . . I keep telling myself that the only place to go from here is up. Right? I know that we’ll never “get over” our grief . . . the hole in our hearts will ALWAYS be there. But I have to believe that someday, the grief & the pain won’t be as raw as it is now.
In case you didn’t know, we feel blessed to have such wonderful family & friends to support us. It’s sometimes hard for us to express our feelings in person, so we’ll have to rely on our blog to do this. I think we’ve gotten pretty good at putting on a brave face when we’re around other people . . . it’s very hard, but we’ve managed somehow. You will NEVER know how much your love, support, hugs, emails, & blog comments mean to us.
So this Christmas, hug your loved ones & cherish the times you spend with them. Logan definitely taught us to make the most of our time here on Earth . . . life is too short & too precious to waste. Appreciate each other . . . show your loved ones how much you care . . . and please share some holiday cheer with our two guardian angels!
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11.27.08
Posted in Kim, Lance, Logan at 11:39 pm by lance
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!
Today was a bittersweet day for Kim and I… it’s Thanksgiving day, but it’s also exactly 4 months since Logan left us. This has been an extremely rough year for us and it’s difficult some times to see the good things in our lives… there are many, though.
We are thankful that we still have a house over our heads, we have such supportive and wonderful friends and family, and we are especially thankful that we still have each other.
Thank you everyone for being there to support us through this year (and throughout our lives).
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
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11.24.08
Posted in Logan at 1:14 pm by lance
2008 Premature Birth Report Cards
The National Grade: D
The March of Dimes has graded states by comparing each state’s rate of premature birth to the nation’s objective of 7.6 percent or less. Help us make progress for preemies by signing the petition and finding out more about what you can do.
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10.15.08
Posted in Logan at 1:17 pm by lance
October 15th has been declared “Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day”. If you’re interested in finding out more, please click on the link below . . .
http://www.october15th.com
A national candle lighting ceremony – A Wave of Light for October 15 – will be held tonight at 7 p.m. (in all time zones) . . . if you’d like to participate in memory of Logan, please light a candle at 7 p.m. and keep it burning for at least one hour.
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10.04.08
Posted in Logan at 8:39 pm by kimi
Lance & I went to our first meeting with a parent support group called H.O.P.I.N.G (Helping Other Parents In Normal Grieving). The support group is for parents who have lost a baby (whether through miscarriage, still birth, or through situations like ours). The group meets on the first Saturday of every month. We met another couple & 2 women at today’s meeting. It was comforting to be around people who really understand what we’re going through. Sometimes it’s hard for us to share our feelings with other people . . . it was nice to be able to talk story with others who are grieving just like we are. Although the session was very helpful, the reason for us being there was a painful reminder of what we’ve lost . . . this is definitely a “club” that we don’t want to be members of.
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09.27.08
Posted in Logan at 3:00 pm by kimi
Today is September 27th . . . it’s been 2 months since Logan left us. It’s still so hard to believe everything that’s happened in the past several months. I’ve been feeling so many conflicting emotions lately . . . happy, but sad . . . hopeful, yet depressed. Sometimes I think I’ve made my peace with what happened, & other times I’m still so angry about everything that we’ve been through. Some days, I find it VERY hard to stay positive & strong. We miss Logan and we miss Beamer . . .
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09.09.08
Posted in Logan at 12:22 am by kimi
This past Sunday was a difficult one for us . . . September 7th was my original due date. It’s hard to believe how much has happened, despite the fact that I should have been pregnant up until now. In the past several months we’ve . . . worried about our baby being born too early, celebrated the birth of our son, spent 8 weeks loving Logan & cheering him on, and allowed our son to find ultimate peace.
We miss Logan.
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